|Discovered in 1986 in an abandoned Woolies store right between the brasso metal polish and the 1985 diaries, some say this list is the only proof that we have all been round once before as it contains knowledge that could have only have been known to a future generation. May I present the top 10 random things from earth - part deux|
|10. Sapphire and Cole|
Previously Sapphire and Steel
|It was to be the comeback of the century and with David Mcallum out of the picture it was only a matter of time before Gary Coleman stepped up to the mark. However with his trademark ‘Coleman shuffle', many considered the comedy antics of this pint sized weirdo would distract from the solemnity of the shows suicidal format. Gary Coleman was replaced by Willard Smith who subsequently ruined it.|
|9. Hancocks Half Hour|
|Not fulfilled with ruining Christmas dinner, Wilfred Smithe carried on to anally intrude this British heritage sitcom. Allow me to recite an extract from, ‘The New Blood Donor'
Man with needle played by John Le Mesuirer, "Roll your sleeve up sir"
Hancock - "Y'all ain't hearin mee fool, that bee nearly an armfull"
John Le Mesurier - "?"
Hancock (chewing on cigar) - "Now that's what I call a close encounter"
|8. A chuck in your pocket|
|Later this year it will become mandatory to carry a picture of Chuck Norris in the back pocket of your action jeans. The action jeans are only 19.99 in some stupid foreign currency and apparently won't bind your legs. This will come in handy as you are pursued by death squads wanting to check up on the contents of your back pockets and quiz you on the progress of your mandatory memorising of Chucks 10 commandments. Nobody was sure who created this law but it was executed to it's maximum potential and was responsible for the near extinction of the human species.
Years later it was leaked that this was part of a master plan by the common household budgie to rid the earth of humans. This hailed the start of the great trill wars of the 23rd century which in turn got so ridiculous the universe was forced to start over.
|7. Top Gun|
|With cast names such as Iceman, Maverick, Gooseberry, Wurzel, Ironside, Ronco, The Soother, Nutkins and The Whittler; this blockbuster about an aging cop and his passion for the perfect hairpiece and boot combo was sure to be a hit. However is was a pile of old shit !
Watch in sheer amazement as Burt Reynolds' attempts to walk around in cowboy boots that are to tight for him. Then nothing else happened.
|6. There is no number 6|
|Unfortunately number 6 has announced it has gone into receivership and had to close it's doors laying off it's seven staff. It thanks you for your continued support and hopes you enjoyed the novelty Roger Moore paperweights.|
|5. The grand re-opening of number 6|
|We are pleased to announce a foreign backer has stepped in saving the Roger Moore novelty paperweight factory from closure. Unfortunately Mr. Moore says our backer is his mortal arch enemy and the super villain known as ‘Le Colon'. and will be no longer posing for any paperweight related products. He told us that we should go Roger ourselves and slipped us a Nazi salute.
|4. The triumphant comeback of Brendan Fraser|
|Nobody new he'd gone, nobody cared when he came back.|
|3. The album Sports by Huey Lewis and the News|
|This album should be on anyone's top 10 shag list, especially if your thinking about making sweet sweet whoppie with your music collection; and I am !
I like to belittle my copy by telling it that it was nothing compared to the Chinese workshop opera version of the Back to the Future soundtrack entitled - ‘Much happy good times for Biff Tannen'
And I've also taped over track 4 with Ray Parker jnr's, Ghostbusters. I then like to slap on some musk and dim the lights.
|2. Another Stakeout|
|Comedy, buddy buddy cop movie, action thriller, sci-fi, film noir; what was this film all about. There was so little to nothing that happened in this movie I noticed a hidden subtext of binary code in the frames. It took a crack team of navy seals headed by teen idol Billybob Thornton to piece it together. When it was finally screened we were surprised to find out it was the original Stakeout movie; and we generally felt it was time well spent.|
|1. The Gamesmaster's cyborg monacle|
And it's missing
|After the decline of the sega mega drive the monacle had no use for Sir Patrick. So, after 500 years worth of corruption it abandoned him in the underground caves of the misty mountains. It was then something unplanned happened to the monacle.
By chance one day it was discovered by an innocent creature called a Chuck Norris who dreamed of a world where everyone would know the freedom and stretchability of a pair of Chucks' patented action jeans whilst en route to Geoff Capes's house to steal a budgie.
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