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Back to the home page Ted tells you what Free Stuff you can Have Hobo Merchandise at Cafe Press All the good stuff The opinions and knowledge of the rich and famous. Reviews of films, books, music and more. Submit your own. Dermot and Ted's Top Ten Preferences Dermot's Dictionary

Lego Indiana Jones's TOP TEN REASONS TO VOTE FOR HOBO BONOBO IN THE NEXT ELECTION Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten 80's Alien Films Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten Things to do Before You Die Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten random things from earth, part 2 Average Rating: 2.9 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten 80's Action Movies Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Worst Cartoon Villains Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Random Moments In Cinema Average Rating: 2.4 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten T.V. Spin Offs That NEED To Happen Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten Heroes and Villains that never made it Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten British Sit-Com Characters Who Could Rule The World Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Reasons Aliens will NEVER Land Or Invade Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten Sperm Donors Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Rubbish TV Heroes Average Rating: 2.2 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Things Found in Christopher Biggins's House Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten random things from Earth Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Worst Accents In Film Average Rating: 2.2 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Bond Moments Part 2 Average Rating: 3.1 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Best Bond Moments Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Most Disappointing Superhero Films Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Superhero Films Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Dermot and Ted's Top Ten Rubbish TV Detectives Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Worst Things About The Star Wars Prequels Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Obligatory Moments For A Police Academy Film Average Rating: 2.4 out of 5
Ted's Top 10 Worst James Bond Films Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Reasons Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Sucked Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Top Ten Reasons Aliens will NEVER Land Or InvadeTop Ten Reasons Aliens will NEVER Land Or Invade
TOP TEN REASONS ALIENS WILL NEVER LAND OR INVADE
Do you have a fear of being probed or becoming a slave under Alien rule?
Let me put your mind at rest. Aliens are slowly, but surely, discovering that the human race are all a bit crap.

17/09/08

Launderettes10. Launderettes
Take it from me, there is no way the Aliens will be bringing washing machines with them when they invade, and their uniforms will start to stink after a few days, a problem has now arisen that they didn't plan with their so-called superior intelligence, twats.
It has long been established that aliens cannot use a washing machine, so their only alternative will be to use the coin operated machines in a local launderette, and that is no picnic either.
Launderettes are the most depressing places on earth, and the Aliens will soon get fed up with that. Unless maybe they pop a coffee shop or something in there, but I wont give them ideas.
Before you can say "take me to your leader" they will be going home to wash their pants in space water, invasion over. We can all stop listening to David Essex, with his ideas of building cities underground to get away from the Aliens, like he has thought them through anyway, prick.

Political Correctness9. Political Correctness
With political correctness having gone mad, If Aliens land or invade, what can we call them? We certainly cant call them Aliens. Planetly challenged? Non-Earthly Consultants?
I asked my alien friends ALF and Watt on Earth and they told me that they don't really mind what we call them as they will only want to kill us anyway. Especially if they walk around in those giant kettles on legs.
So screw them, we can call them what we want.

Cold Calling8. Cold Calling
Once they have started to walk among us, the last thing they would want is some bell-end ringing them at half 7 in the evening asking if they want to insure their tree houses or buy double glazing for their saucers.
You think that annoys you? Imagine if you were from another planet? With advanced intellect? That would really grind their space gears.

People Who Say, "Well, He Speaks Very Highly Of You" When You Slag Someone Off.7. People Who Say, "Well, He Speaks Very Highly Of You" When You Slag Someone Off.
Imagine you have spent 16 years travelling through space just to get to a puny planet like Earth. You land in a field, have a stretch of the legs and pop into the local McDonalds. You pick up a paper and start to point out that Lenny Henry is rubbish, then someone at the ajoining table blurts, "Well, He Speaks Very Highly Of You". I think the only course of action would be to fry that mother with your lazer beam pencil case.

ITV6. ITV
You would have to go a long way in this galaxy to find a channel worse than ITV. Seeing as these Aliens have done that, they wouldn't want to stick around to watch the tired format of borrowed TV shows and poached past it stars. I can imagine them scouring the airwaves for signs of intelligent life only to find Billie Piper "acting" and sucking someone off, Inspector Morse's boring sidekick now having his own show that is like watching paint dry watching paint dry whilst painting in dry conditions, Jack Frost still solving crimes even though he is older than the concept of the police force and Ant and Dec crying inside whilst the bloke from the Ronseal adverts has to eat a Puma's cock.

Channel 5 Countdown Shows5. Channel 5 Countdown Shows
Aliens will arrive on our planet and will have not sampled one iota of our culture, heritage or customs. But I tell you what, they will sure as fuck have a better idea of what is funny than someone who used to be on TV many, many, years ago.

Soap Operas4. Soap Operas
Come and sample Earth life. See how everyone walks around with faces like smacked arses and a demeanour that suggests they all have terminal cancer. When any happy event takes place, marvel at how quickly events will conspire to make things seem like that rather than making lemonade from lemons, you can only have AIDS or nothing.
If the Launderette didn't deter our invaders and send them into a wrist slashing state, then Soap Operas will.

Weird Trousers3. Weird Trousers
Once the Aliens become more accustomed to our way of life and feel that they may want to become more involved with us, they will not be impressed with the youth of today and their very tight trousers which makes their arse start at their knees and their legs seem like a pair of twiglets. Aliens are known to dislike dressing like a cunt.

Reality TV2. Reality TV
Although Reality TV has been useful for the Aliens to observe our kind. They will be unimpressed when they land at the Big Brother house and ask to be taken to our leader when someone shoves a wine bottle up them selves. That is just, plain, rude.

AND FINALLY...

Celebrity1. Celebrity
Aliens will have no time for the current climate of Celebrity.
Whether it be some bloke who was in a band that you need to look up on the internet to know who they were or what decade it was, or that woman who used in be that programme that you need to look up on the internet to know what it was or what decade it was on. They care not for the parties these people attend, who makes their shoes or how they have an autobiography when they are only 17. They have no care to even consider what their fannies look like when they get out of a car, nor what their wedding will be like.
But will they have a choice if they land on Earth? Nope, they will be bombarded 24/7 whether they like it or not. Let's face it, if we could leave, we would as well.

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On my planet we love Jools Holland...we especially love the way he insists on playing his piano with every famous artist he has on his TV show. He knows that it could be the greatest song in the world being sung by one of the greatest artists your planet has to offer, but his own piano playing can add so much more to one of these songs!!


Comment By: Zog, 19 Sep 2008, Rating: 1/5

Worry not fellow Earthlings.
We shall deflect this invasion by playing Boogie Woogie piano over the invaders when ever they speak.

Comment By: Jools Holland's Boogie Woogie Army, 18 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5

Melmark sucks my balls. They don't even have air there, the retards.
Comment By: Dermot, 18 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5

Unfortunately this top ten list has caused an intergalactical stirring and the United Galactical Allience have stepped up their plans of attack.
Sorry but you've only got Ted to blame for this.
I'm leaving Earth for Melmak in a bit and I've got room for 2. Anyone who wants in meet me that place who's name I can't remeber in Kidderminster.
Schumway away..
Comment By: Gordon Schumway, 18 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5

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arrugghhh

must...have...oxygen...


urgh.
Comment By: Dermot (Deceased), 18 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5

You have cut me off..no one cuts off Zog...you will suffer...you will die...


Comment By: Zog, 17 Sep 2008, Rating: 0/5

I am an Alien and watching ITV makes it easier for me to plan who to kill when the rest of my intergalactical friends land on your so call planet.

First will be Ant & Dec, followed by Jeremy Kyle, thirdly will be Trevor McDonald followed by Simon big trousers from The X Factor, we will then execute anyone who has ever appeared on The Bill, after we have finished with them we will move onto Fern and Philip from This Morning who will decapitated & lastly those Loose Women will be burned at the stake as is the old way your country used to deal with witches...

Once this i
Comment By: Zog, 17 Sep 2008, Rating: 1/5

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