We've reflected on the positives, now let's look at those negatives... 16/08/08
After Batman Returns there were so many rumours about a spin-off Catwoman film.
From Michelle Pfeiffer to...well, that was one anyway.
Tragically they chose to cast Halle "Kiss of Death" Berry as a cat.
Remember, she has ruined Bond, X-Men and now Catwoman.
9. Fantastic Four
I was never really a fan of the 4.
The Thing and Johnny Storm are clearly the best of the bunch, so the idea of seeing them both on film is an exciting one.
Sue Storm and Mr Fantastic suck balls in my opinion. I cant think of any situation in which a stretchy bloke would be handy, apart from getting your car keys out of a drain.
As for her going invisible, well, that power is clearly wasted on a logical woman, that is the ideal power for a man-perv.
This is such a half baked, mis-cast, poorly pieced together mess it isn't even worth talking about...shit.
You know, Daredevil is the scourge of all criminals in Hell's Kitchen, he jumps from roof-top to roof-top and puts the fear of god into all that see him.
As a youth he lost his sight in a radioactive accident that also drastically heightened his remaining senses and gave him a "radar-sense" allowing him to perceive his surroundings. His public identity is Matt Murdock, a successful attorney-at-law.
So, how does this work on film?
In a leather pant-suit?
This is a bit of a stinker to be honest.
Matt Murdock swans around in his wonderful haircut with the horn permanently, trying to kop off with Elektra, played by the now Mrs Douchebag. When he puts on the disco suit he is jumping about and relying on special effects.
This film isn't retarded, it's borderline retarded.
Like when Elektra is killed by Bulls(Japs)Eye and then gets a spin off film.
Hmm, let's read that again.
Yea, a dead character gets a spin off!
Is it like Weekend At Bernie's? Sadly, it isn't even that good.
Colin Farrell once again displays that he is a full time flop merchant that seems to be only capable of trudging around in shit.
Ang Lee decided that Hulk should be half melodrama half comic book. Sadly, he forgot to include any interesting or logical elements of story telling.
6. Batman Forever
I was a fan of the Burton films when I was younger.
Now, I can see they have more flaws than Canary Wharf.
When I heard he wasn't doing Forever I was annoyed, when I saw that Danny Elfman wasn't coming back I was livid.
When I watched it I was not surprised at how disappointing it turned out to be.
It is a sorry return to the camp factor of Batman, and was the first half of the many nails in the coffin.
I am choosing not to include Batman & Robin in this list as we all know how stinky that is and frankly, it didn't disappoint with its shit smell.
So, therefore it was not a disappointment.
5. Superman III
When you make a mis-step it is a good idea to rectify it as soon as possible in my opinion.
So, you fire Richard Donner and bring in a guy with no vision and who seems to be more interested in comedy, but you get away with it as Superman 2 had good villains (Though the weird throwing "S" will always confuse me)
So, for Superman 3, you should really make it better than the first 2 right?
Wrong, what you do is cast Richard Pryor and base the film around him, it is best to do that.
That would be like Christopher Nolan basing the next Batman film solely around Chris Rock.
Anyway, apart from Superman Vs. Clark Kent, it sucked and disappointed me as a 6 year old, I tell you that.
4. X-Men 3 : The Last Stand
Terrible, lazy and dim-witted.
The "revenge" film.
20th Century Fox found out that Bryan Singer was going to make Superman Returns for Warner Brothers and come back to do X3, so, what is the natural thing to do? Yea, that's right, have him frog marched off of the lot and hire the guy who made Layer Cake to continue Singer's vision.
When the guy who made Layer Cake sees sense and leaves (Though why they didn't ask him to take Vinnie Jones with him is a mystery) why not hire that hack who made the Rush Hour films, you know, that amazing film series that everyone loves.
Then, when Halle (rubbish) Berry says she wont return unless she has a bigger part, why not write her out and make the whole saga more interesting? Who the fuck cares about Storm? She is rubbish, I would rather have She-Woman-Cat-Type-Thing from Harry Enfield's Palace of Righteous Justice.
Anyway, so they rushed it to beat Singer's Superman to the theatres, and boy does it show. It stinks to high heaven alright.
3. Superman IV : The Quest For Peace
I went to see this film as a 10 year old and even then I was confused by the structure of the film.
No wonder really, what with it being edited to death and important plot details lying on the cutting room floor.
Though, the fact remains that even if it had stayed intact, it would still be shit, shit and more shit.
Too many things wrong with this film to go into, plus, many people have covered it already such as -
This is as clear a sign there is that Raimi was not in charge of this film.
Rumour has it he only wanted to feature Sandman as the villain and was then given Venom orders at the 11th hour as the studio smelled merchandise.
So many plot holes, what a shame, when they left the guy alone he delivered, will they ever learn? Nope.
1. Superman Returns
Well, what an anti climax...
This was such a crushing disappointment to me when it came out.
It had none of the charm of the Superman films it was desperately trying to ape, the dreariest soundtrack ever heard and the worst Lois Lane committed to celluloid. Rather than filling you with glee and excitement it felt like one long advert for Prozac.
Remember, "hey kids, Superman can get depressed too"
Not in my film he cant fuck biscuit!
You know it is a lame Superhero film when there is only really one sequence of any kind of note. The shuttle sequence, although great looking, is a limp dick, and that is the best action sequence in the film really.
The CGI in this film is far too dominant, to the point that they couldn't even be bothered to film a boat on the ocean, no, it is a CGI boat on a CGI ocean, does it look real? Nope.
Little wonder then that this film cost 200 million dollars, yes, that's right, 200 million dollars.
I think Lord of the Rings cost that much for all 3, let's think about that for a moment.
The look of the film is also terrible, everything seems washed of colour and, well, for want of a better word, shit.
I have no problem with Brandon Routh, he was fine, he was a good Clark Kent, but sadly, he rarely got to play Superman in this film and when he did put the costume on he had little or nothing to say or do. You are rarely excited by anything he does or says, plus, it looks to me that he was just told to do a Christopher Reeve impression.
Lois Lane in this film is no longer a ballsy reporter with an eye for a scoop who is one of the guys and gives as good as she gets, no. She is now a walking Barbie doll in a bad wig, who looks about 9, great well done there.
Don't even get me started on the idea of Superman having a son, what a shite idea, really bad, immediately painting the franchise into a corner, stupid twats.
I hope they get it right next time, but for now I am reminded of Tim Bisley from the show Spaced, standing over his burning Star Wars stuff looking hollow inside. I felt that same way when I came out of this miserable, depressing and dull film.
Superman Returns? Don't bother pal.
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Good list but the top spot could have just as easily been given to Superman: The Movie. Man, was that was a dull piece of shit! An hour of tedium as we get through the origin story/set up for the sequel, then try to rush a few 'super stunts' in quick succession to amaze us by the was that an invulnerable man can thwart such vile criminal scum as a man suction-cupping his way down a building. After that comes the intelligence-insulting finale where he turns back time by flying around the world backwards! nonsense. And don't even start me on the idiocy of the whole Lex Luthor thing and his Comment By: The DN5, 15 Aug 2008, Rating: 5/5