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The One Show - (TV)
Whilst tucking into my Meals on Wheels boil in a bag roast pigmy, I found myself watching that bloody left wing BBC. I was rather disappointed to see a gentleman who didn't sound very English talking about Blue Tits in his garden. My man servant Willobey told me it was English, but not from Eton, but from further up north & he was from a place called Birmingham, once again those comprehensive types at The British Broadcasting Communism are letting the side down with people north of Windsor on our television screens...poor show.
However I soon noticed a rather radiant female who I was informed was from the British part of Ireland, although I felt she could do with some elocution lessons, to make her sound more English, she had a rather beautiful face & a wonderful body, which rather reminded of The Queen in her prime, she was so lovely I instructed Willobey to drive me to broadcasting centre, where I presented myself to her as a potential husband who would treat her in a firm but fair way, unfortunately she seemed rather confused by my advances, which I put down to a possible poor education in one of those cheap schools & so I found myself instructing Willobey to follow her home.
After she got out of her car I instructed Willobey to take the Bentley home whilst I positioned myself in a bush in her front garden, after approx 2 hours & at 5 & 20 past 9 I saw her enter her bedroom & disrobe, I'm afraid by this stage I was sensing the sort of excitement I haven't felt since 1942 and the grunting noises I was making seemed to draw her attention to me.
As she leant out of the window, I could see her young & firm bosom pushing its way out of her lovely nightdress, inviting me forward. There was only one thing left for me to do & that was to advance with weapon in hand...at once she saw me & let out several loud screams, which I knew obviously was a sound of her excitement and so I proceeded towards her. For some unknown reason she shut the bloody window & pulled the curtains.
Fortunately I knew what she was up to, the poor naive child was obviously playing hard to get & I knew that if I stayed in the same position she would eventually run out of the front door & present herself for duty.
Approx 5 minutes later the local constabulary arrived & escorted me towards a waiting car, I can only presume that she is rather good friends with several members of her local police force & had arranged a prior spot of cocoa with them...
After a night in the cells I had to attend the local Magistrates Court, where luckily my good friend & fellow mason Judge John Deed was on duty. Although I thought he was my friend he told me I am not allowed within 500 yards of the lovely Christine Bleakley.
Got to say I find this typical of the bloody BBC, I pay my Licence Fee, but I am not allowed to marry any of the presenters....what an absolute outrage, not like ITV where all the female presenters are up for a bit of how's your father at any time!!