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A short story by Lego Indiana Jones which won last prize in the Lego Indiana Jones short story awards 2009

It was 3.17am when everything changed for bobby Connor. He stood over the basin staring at his reflection through the darkened glass of the bathroom window deciding whether or not to brush his teeth.
In situations like this, he always tried to put himself in the shoes of Mr. Kimble from Kintergarten Kopf. "What would Arnie do", he spoke to his own reflection tensing his stomach muscles as best he could.
The decision was made. There would be no spread of gingivitis tonight and as Bob accidentally swallowed some minty water he couldn't help but think of his more successful and more talented half brother John, and as he did so the usual jealous rage devoured his thoughts.
Yes, unfortunately Bobs’ father was Bobby McFerrins’ window cleaner and not a cyborg slayer from the future. Yes, his brother was the supposed savoir of mankind and not a shelf stacker at the catalogue bargain shop; but Bob was a man nevertheless, granted not a well endowed man with more than his fair share of body hair, but still a man; bald, face like a fat gorilla, a hunchback and as arse that was so hairy it was impossible to wipe. But he was still a man and when Skynet took over the world he'd be the first one there to sell out with a substandard c.v. in hand to take up his role amongst the terminators, hopefully one day to become terminator team leader and send Robert Patrick back in time to fuck up his brother before he becomes Christian Bale and starts loudly nose breathing all over the place.
For you see it was Bob and Bob alone who would be the one to make no difference at all to the course of the world and it would be Bob and Bob alone who also wouldn't get the credit for any of it too.
He couldn’t help but imagine a world where everyone was like him, where there was no such thing as artificial intelligence 'cos no one had worked it out yet. In Bobs’ world they'd only just worked out the kinks in the wheel. But everybody was happy, but there weren't that many people left because not all of them had sussed out how to mate.

But for some reason that morning Bob awoke to the sound of a day filled with hope and happiness. He waited in anticipation for the post and when it arrived at 6.15 pm, he was glad to see one letter in particular.
It wasn't the usual charity bin liner but a letter of acceptance and after years of trying and failing to get away from the catalogue bargain shop he had finally got the job of his dreams, the job and career jump to becoming both ends of a pantomime cow hired to pretend to graze in a field nearby a local alternative energy research centre to suggest that they had not recently destroyed all known life in a ten mile radius.
Today would be a good day and soon he’d be able to afford to hire someone to play the back end of the pantomime cow.

He searched endlessly through his list of applicants but finally settled on a overweight has-been actor known now only as 'Slowhand'; it was once suggested that 'Slowhands'' reactions were so quick that in Hollywood he was well known for being able to flush the toilet upon entry to the bathroom, have a quick shit, wipe up and leave the bathroom whilst the toilet was still flushing, despite having a nasty case of bench-bum.

But alas the world was destroyed moments later and the two parts of possibly the greatest pantomime cow on earth never came together.


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Comments about This Article

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But what's this got to do with Heathrow Airport?
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