There has always been a many few unusual insignificant pointless happenstances in my existence thus far, starting off at an early age when my Dad used to dress up as pennywise the clown to prepare me for, ‘the things to come’; when in fact years later I discovered someone had part taped over his copy of the terminator with stephen kings’ it: To the time more recently when a travelling soft core porn novel salesman gained entry to my hovel claiming he was the popular Count Dracuala saying I was to do his evil bidding by fetching him fresh corpses. Thinking about it now he looked nothing like George Hamilton and did leave during daylight. Oh well, it won’t bring back those nuns now.
So, until the heat cooled down I thought it best to take myself out of the twilight zone to the more peaceful climate of Wales. As I am a little bit strange I always like to go to somewhere I’ve never been before in disguise; I don’t mean a novelty oversize moustache and a pair of rubber bum chins. I mean a complete psychological emersion. Usually I select an insignificant character from popular British literature such as the bloke who rented the flat opposite Sherlock Holmes who collected string and had a phobia of violins and deerstalkers. However as we’re now in the mid ‘80’s I thought an update was due so I selected a character from tv’s the x files, and that character was the matchstick salesman who could have sold the matches and cigarettes to the cigarette smoking man if he’d have been in that kind of business but wasn’t; who instead won a pair of bootlaces in a soduku competition which he left by mistake in a hotel room but without the two step successful guide to bootlacing -
Step 1 - use to secure boots to feet
Step 2 - don’t use to wank yourself to death
By now I’d prepared an authentic Derek Acorah shrunken head completing my transformation but alas I was turned away by the welsh border patrol for being too unstable.
Many people say these events were all in my mind but I say to them, ‘how am I supposed to itch myself with this jacket on?”
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Actually that wasn't it - I was actually trying to prepare you for the fact that not only am I a transsexual robot lesbian from the future (as you are by now aware), but also that I am a rubbish looking spidery thing that is not very scary and sadly at odds with the rest of your otherwise quite frightening life. By the way I had your memory wiped so you're not aware of the fact that actually you are John boy from the waltons. Comment By: Your Dad, 10 Jun 2009, Rating: 5/5