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A Long Sentence

20/05/09
Dear readers, please forgive my monthly absence from the digital pages of Hobo Bonobo but I heard a rumour that Henry Winkler was doing a cameo on itvís primevil and decided to hitch my way to the forest of dean in the hope I could set a trap tricking him into loaning me some of his cool. As usual it never crossed my mind that itvís primevil was not filmed in the forest of dean and that the forest of dean was in fact not the bit of council land at the end of my street still host to an abnormal abundance of white dog poo unlike the truck driver who gave me a lift told me when in fact he only wanted to abduct and give me as a present to his annoying offspring who didnít even appreciate temporarily possessing a highly detailed Lego Indiana Jones and subsequently lobbed me in a cupboard forcing me to gnaw my way through the laminate with only my little tears as nourishment causing me to face the harrowing truth that my gun and whip were nothing more than unpractical plastic accessories with little to no use in todayís high tech world which made me realise I must be nothing more than useless accessory myself but luckily little to no use to the truck driving blog stealing Transylvanian cannibal vampire who lives next door to me who thinking about it was the one person who convinced me he had found Henry Winklersí filofax in a sweet shop containing his schedule for the next fortnight and only wanted in return the chance to do a one off celebrity guest blog and not trick me into little Eddiesí cupboard trapping me for eternity and stealing my identity.
Oh bugger !!!

An interview with a vampire.

(Please read the following in a Transylvanian accent)

Gooood evening my mortal friends. With that Lego Indiana Jones and his long sentence out of the way. Allow me. To. Wish him. A full mental health recovery.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Count Arnold Sqvallers, the son of a used toilet duck and a scarf. I vas born thirty six of your mortal years ago behind the local scooper market.
Abandoned at birth by my inanimate parents I roamed back lanes and alleys looking for food until one day an accident with a mouse trap and some white dog poo gave me a taste for blood; Human blood.
My first wictim came in the form of a travelling Rabi with a fondness for Turkish Delights. For days I followed his trail of purple perfumed foil until one night I made my move, cornering him in a alley, grabbing his forehead from behind, pulling his head back and wigorously brushing his teeth until I set off his gingivitis before I scoffed he brush. I now travel the nights from bedroom to bedroom, aggravating peoples gingivitis. So my friends be warned, if you brush your teeth in the morning and your gums start to bleed then beware.

(Please read the following as James Earle Jones in the style of a Ronnie Corbett monologue)

"But wait, what is this" yelled Count Sqvallers

Suddenly Lego Indiana Jones, (hero) burst through the cupboard crysinging Status Quos' in the army now.

"Children of the night, what awful music they make and other sterotypical comments" shouted the Count, letting his accent slip

Suddenly Lego Indiana Jones (hero) raised his plastic gun covered in bits of the cupboard and started thrusting aimlessly towards the evil Counts' heart skewering it and finally bringing the count to his knees for a needlessly long death scene.

The nightmare was over and with it, this blog.





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Comments about This Article

Taking the ovreview, this post is first class
Comment By: Kaydence, 15 Nov 2014, Rating: 0/5

dlxCWX Thanks for the blog.Much thanks again. Will read on...
Comment By: crorkz matz, 06 Aug 2014, Rating: 3/5

I am sorry to say that I was working late at the emergency ward last night and Henry Winkler was brought in with a stopped heart. Luckily, I just flipped up my collars and kicked shouting, "oooh" and he came back to life. I then drove my car and performed a complicated jump over a shark.
Comment By: Dr. Killdare, 27 May 2009, Rating: 5/5

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