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A Reason To Travel Back In Time And Kick Your Dad In The Bollocks

As my ridiculously embarrassing excuse for a life starts off it’s second trimester I cannot help thinking of the unlucky sperm who beat all the others to the finish line. I can just imagine it now, pasty white in complexion, light blue sweatband around its head with a single Dunlop trainer and an ‘I ran the world tee-shirt’. Little did it know that the others were in the know as to what lay in store for the winner and didn’t even bother to race.
Years later I stand facing the world with the same unoccupied expression as that poor little sperm and in some way I feel that I owe it to the little fella to be more successful. So do I take business into my own hands and kick down the door of the ‘Predator Hunting Humans For Japes’, weapons factory, and shout out in a Gene Hunt fashion; “OY bastards, how come you can travel the stars but can’t make a cloaking device that works in water. And what gives with the luminous blood. Don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful that one of you chaps blew Carl Weathers’ arm off, it serves him right for pushing too many pencils. But even Danny Glover whooped your ass and he was too old for this shit. On the other hand, thanks for giving Gary Busey some much needed work”.

Perhaps they would reply in a clicking noise before removing my skull and spine.
Or preferably invite me to the local comedy club subjecting me to a live performance of the Predator version of ‘Who’s line is it anyway’; hopefully not ending in a ho-down.

Predator version of Clive Anderson- “Can Anyone in the audience suggest a theme for the ho-down ?”

Me- “A depressed clown is even sadder about losing his car keys”

Predator version of Clive Anderson- “Anyone else”

Alan the Predator- “series of clicks”

Predator version of Clive Anderson- “Having a good time removing various spines and skulls from helpless humans who haven’t quite sussed out what’s going on yet”

Audience- Applause and clicks and one of them accidentally sets off his arm bomb.

Predator version of Ryan Styles and Greg Proops- “Series of clicks”

And the doctors say I’m mad !

I’ll probably just stay in the corner drooling and rocking; (and I don’t mean to Status Quo).
Or continue watching 'Dave ja vu'.
Same difference. . .

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