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This Never Happened To The Other Fella
A helpfull guide to cloning

10/02/09
Take yourself back to a time when life was simpler. A time when reality shows had only appeared in a futuristic it’ll never happen movie called the Running Man. A time when people got to the top of the food chain because of their hard work and skill, not by mowing others down in their wake and being greedy beyond belief. A time when burglary was a worse crime than sneezing in public. A time when a long hard days work wasn’t patronised with a evenings televisual entertainment revolving around so called celebrities who must be watched, read about and loved or else they’ll throw a dickie fit and fake some illness until they are back under the limelight. A time when earths’ ecological crisis was more important than the failing economy. And a time when cloning was the thing of science fiction, not science fact.

I purchased my fist cloning kit some time in the early ‘80’s but with all the bad press it got in films such as, The Fly, various Jurassic Parks, The Clone Ranger and Multiplicity, I decided to hold off until the release of The 6th. Day. Half way through the movie I ran out of the cinema, mounted my space hopper and bounced towards home; ready to start my clone.

I carefully read the instructions -

Step 1 - Open box
Step 2 - Put on surgical gloves
Step 3- Let one rip in the enclosed petri dish, making sure you follow through
Step 4- Place petri dish in microwave for 2 minutes
Step 5- Attach nose tongs
Step 6- Put results in cloning machine. (Due for completion 8923 a.d).
Or bury petri dish in garden for unpredictable results.

The next day I awoke from my box with utter excitement but before I opened my eyes I heard a distant repetitive chant coming from the garden, ‘this never happened to the other fella, this never happened to the other fella’. It carried on.
As I looked out the window in horror it was also flailing it’s arms like a windmill attempting to mimic a fight scene.
I was so wrong. I thought this experiment would have been more like the film Replicant or even at worst, Time Cop but the results were more like Twins.
There was only one solution, but that solution involved breaking Isaac Asimov’s 9th. Law - “Can I get away with another shit book”.
“Yes”, I agreed and marched into the garden with my shovel. But before I got there my clone had been spotted and subsequently poached by a movie producer and my old arch enemy, Cubby Broccoli. As they pulled away in the limo that haunting phrase, ‘this never happed to the other fella, this never happened to the other fella’ disappeared in the distance with them.

The nightmare was finally over and as a celebration I’m off to see, “On her majesty’s secret service”….

The cloning kits are no longer on sale.

P.s. I thought i'd join Ted on a twitter too. I'm under the name 'gadgetfingers'...

Follow Lego Indina Jones (GadgetFingers) on Twitter




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