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The Vatican Devil

28/01/09
It may be just me but lately I’ve noticed a down turn in Steven Seagal films and as Christopher Lambert seems to have given up completely I thought it was about time someone wrote a comeback hit movie for the both of them.

As Steven Seagal didn’t seem interested in playing the lead in the super hero film I made just for him I thought I’d start another blockbuster for he; that’s right, a blockbuster guaranteed to hit the cinema first on it’s way down; right down to the bowls of uk living. Even though I’ll think you’ll agree the script and story is mostly perfect I’m launching it digitally into the meaty hands of the internet for us all to tinker with, just like the millions of us that wrote and got no credit for, ‘Snails on a plane’.
Feel free to add your idea’s below before Hollywood gets their claws into this piece of movie bronze.

This film will be originally and scarily titled -

---------------------‘The Vatican Devil’-----------------------

My only stipulation is that no part of it takes place in Poland, Steve will do all his own voice work and action sequences and at some point in the film he must whisper shout, “I’m sick of all these muther fuckin’ Popes in this muther fuckin’ church”, and storm out holding his testicles.

Cast in order of appearance -

The Pope ---------------------------Lee Majors
The Priest -------------------------Steven Seagal
Angel of death ---------------------Terry Nutkins
The Mummy --------------------------Arnold Vosloo
Professor Q-bert -------------------Christopher Lambert
Sweaty man with dandruff no 1 ------Sean Bean
French tourist ---------------------Sean Connery
Sweaty man with dandruff no 2 ------Tim Allen
The love interest ------------------Bella Emburg
And introducing Billy Baldwin as ---The Vatican Devil

Music by Jan Hammer and Dave (without Chas)

----------------------------------

Imagine the scene:

A dark night in Vatican city, as the clock turns over to the witching hour there’s a blood curdling scream from Pope Majors' chambers. In rushes Steve, robed, (to cover up the podge, (and a secret)) and hooded, (to cover up the chins and hair). He’s an ex navy seal who found religion after an unnatural encounter with a fire extinguisher left him confused.
“Pope Majors”, shouts Steve, “Nooooo !”
It was too late, a midnight Popely snack had turned fatal when a poison twiglet made it’s way in to the packet.
Steve’s Navy Seal training kicked in like a sixth sense, his eyes pierced the darkness like a peeled orange.
‘What’s that. No, it couldn’t be’, Steve thought.
“Is that Billy Baldwin dressed as a Devil climbing out the window ?”, he exclaimed, his train of thought interrupted by a tourist outside.
“Zut Alors, iz zat Billy Baldwin dressed as ze devil. Ho he haw”, yelled the French tourist in a Scotch accent confirming the spotting.

Billy Baldwin suddenly looses his footing and falls to his death prematurely ending the film. The rest of the cast quickly make an appearance as Steven Seagal produces Bella Emburg from his robe and shouts, “I’ll show you a move”

Fin

Feel free not to have read the above blog.


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I must say I found this after I saw a beautiful ptruice of the horse you added in your article. Haha. Then got deeply interested in the article and what others had to say. First, I must say I mean no offense to anything I say. Or question. Quite frankly I'm just curious, and pondering the questions I have. Second, you say to Dicey that you're worried about how angry he gets over your comments and your opinion on Dressage. You also state that it's un healthy. I would preceive this is very much hypocritical considering you apparently got fuming over a dressage ptruice ..That alone is pretty un-healthy if you will. Haha I mean seriously. Contradictive much? You just sat there and bitched about how angry a PHOTO made you! Lmao. Also, you state, I have no intention of partaking in some Dressage in order to validate my opinion. What makes you think your opinion on a sport you haven't tried has any validation whatsoever? Being a horseback rider that competes in Dressage, I found this article quite amusing. The arrogance is overwhelming, yet amusing because you have not the slightest of knowledge of dressage. It deserves to be a sport IN THE OLYMPICS just as much as any other spor
Comment By: Bian, 04 Oct 2012, Rating: 3/5

Yes Mz. Emburg, on site catering will be supplied by Steven Seagal himself. I hope you like his patented energy drink, 'lightning bolt' and Steve's delicious home baked trout.
Comment By: lego indiana jones, 30 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5

To the office of Bella Emburg's Agent

The producers have requested a quick glimpse of Mz. Emburg's camel toe. Can we include this in the fee ?
Comment By: lego indiana jones, 30 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5

Is there on-site catering & if so are there sausage rolls, bacon sandwiches, pork pies & cakes available?
Comment By: Bella Emberg, 30 Jan 2009, Rating: 4/5

Yes, but Russ Abbott will get his cock out for free.
Comment By: Bella Emburg's Agent, 29 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5

To the office of Bella Emburg's Agent

Is it any extra for a topless scene ?
Comment By: lego indiana jones, 28 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5

Can you leave me your details? Bella is very keen.
Comment By: Bella Emburg's Agent, 28 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5

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