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Booze
and Cigars

13/07/10
For one reason or another it’s been a pretty frustrating year so far. In my own way I’ve gone insane and returned back to relative stability several times, )not that anyone noticed(
So, I decided to spend all my ill-gotten gains on a nice holiday in the hope it would cool me down so to speak; and I’m happy to say it did, unlike my last holiday abroad on which I threatened to destroy earth when I returned home; but never got round to.

I’ve been back a good week or so now and must say I’m still pretty relaxed. However I can’t help but ask myself why. Granted, nothing went wrong other than breaking my toe in a waterfall and a 4 day long hurricane attack which had the same first name as me, but I think it was down to one or two unanticipated factors.

On one of my first nights on holiday I found myself in a situation where I was stood at a bar asking for a drink. Not unusual for most, but I never drink or smoke and rarely go into a pub and have never ‘got a round in’; largely because I have no friends, (possibly for this reason)
There were quite a few ‘bar flys’, hovering round but next to the gap I had selected there were two rather attractive American ladies chatting and checking the norms out.

Out of nowhere, the barman stared at me and said something like ‘yeah’ or ‘wha you wan gringo’ Feeling like a vegetarian in a butchers shop and for some strange reason catching the attention of the attractive young American ladies (possibly because I inadvertently did that thing where you pretend to inflate your muscles with your thumb to make you look bigger) I asked for the first drink that came into my head. For a moment there was nothing, then a smoky silhouette of a tuxedo filled my frontal lobe; people must have noticed my straining because the bar quietened slightly.
I stared up into my brain to see what would materialise next; the barman looked on as if I was having a seizure. At that moment I heard a Spanish couple talking from behind. The figure of a matador came into my head, the matador walked over to the tuxedo in my head and changed into it. The mist was clearing; it was Pierce Brosnan. Frantically I spooled through all of his tuxedo related parts. From the inside, my brain was working faster and more efficiently than twelve supercomputers attempting to complete level 28 of Hunchback. From the outside, my left eye was twitching, head cocked to one side forming a pool of drool beneath me. (incidentally, great name for a grunge band)-(avoid the mosh pit)

I felt I hadn’t breathed for some time. One after another the supercomputers started to read ‘syntax error at line 14’, they were going to die at any second. Frantically, one of them tried to reboot itself; it wasn’t going down this day. Then suddenly, it logged three words I had thought in the last paragraph. Another - Die -Day. What did it mean; I started slapping the sides of my heads shouting ‘curse you brain’. then suddenly it hit me. Slowly I spooled through any drinks I could remember in the film. At that moment, I splurted out to the barman, ‘Mojito plese’.
Unfortunately they had run out of mint so I had to choose an alternative beverage.
Randomly I asked for another cocktail. Within minutes the drink arrived; I thought I’d pulled it off quite well considering my obvious handicap.
Unfortunately, the drink I’d asked for came in a huge but feminine glass, garnished with fruit. I was just thankful it didn’t have a sparkler in it.
So, as the bartender lit the sparkler, it caught the attention of the young attractive American ladies. They then simply turned to me and asked what I was drinking.
This presented a whole new set of problems and had put an end to my claim to fame of having never to spoken to an American in my thirty-seven years.
Still in Pierce Brosnan mode, I turned my swarthiness and charm levels to max, donned the smoothest of smooth bond voices, raised the glass to my mouth, poked myself in the eye with the cocktail umbrella and schmoosed out, “Mai Tai ladies, it’s a Mai Tai”, before backing up and pirouetting to face the other direction.
I looked back and gave them an unintentional wink with my now blood shot eye and nodded as they wished me a nice night.
Just hoped I wouldn’t trip or slip as I left.

Even though I don’t put my current relaxed state down to that, I enjoyed the drink and a few nights later when I had loosened up a smidge got to experience several mojiots’, several manhattens’ and for some reason several cigars and a great feeling of relaxed light-headedness and ended up videoing myself saying, “I am drunk” as proof to future me.

In conclusion, cocktails and cigars are great; I can highly recommend them, plus cigars make you look cool: see any Schwartzanegger film;
And I’m not aware of any other side effects either bring.


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Comments about This Article

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Top secret itv document
In a multi billion dollar deal, we are pleased to announce the purchase of davro and cannon take a shot at something from challenge tv.  We believe this will rival the new bbc show balls ball, especially if played alongside the new hale and pace show. In the event our ratings drop below 4, we will play our ace card; an evening with John Ratzenberger.
Best wishes
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Comment By: Office of the itv inspector general, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

It's cold at church with you Tommy.
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

I will sue.
Comment By: Tommy Cannon, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

I also asked him to change his first name to Tommy.
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Good luck.
Comment By: Tommy Cannon, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Sounds good. I hope it all works out for you. I've teamed up with Lee, the bloke who works at the computer bit at the tip. I met him when I was getting rid of my Amstrad. He is dead good. He can do a really good impression of you. I am trying to get him to change his surname to "Cannon".
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Sorry about that. I also can't make church Sunday. I am busy with Bobby Davro making a new TV series for Challenge TV called "Davro and Cannon take a shot at something" in which we team up to shoot at things. It is dead good.
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But that was my only copy?
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

No. Must have lost it in the post. I think my dog got it.
Comment By: Tommy Cannon, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Oh, and did you get that script for Boys in Blue 2 I sent you? I've been writing it for years. It's dead ace. I get us laid in act 3. It is dead erotic. I even shaved my pubes for it.
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Oh. Ok. That makes sense I suppose.
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

I'm out.
Comment By: Tommy Cannon, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Hey. Wait a moment. How did I get your answering machine on here?
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Oh. You must be out. I was wondering if you're going to church this Sunday? I will be in the 3rd pue.
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

I'm not in right now, please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
Comment By: Tommy Cannon, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Tommy?
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Tommy?
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

Rock on Tommy!!
Comment By: Bobby Ball, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

I liked this, great read.
Comment By: Tommy Cannon, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

I loved you in Wall Street
Comment By: Martin Sheen, 13 Jul 2010, Rating: 5/5

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