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Oddie Watch

02/02/10
I like this time of year. Everyday brings another unpredictable weather condition and ill stranger in close proximity to pass on their sneezonal cheer.
It's also a time for new beginnings. Before we know it, daffodils will be poking their heads through the ground to the sound of randy little birds' going at it like a 1970's porno vhs cassette on fast foreword, and the BBC will be preparing their gentle yet aggressive seasonal wildlife programmes.
One such programme I look foreword to but mostly forget it's on is 'springwatch'.
If you're not familiar with springwatch, it's a semi-live show hosted by a group of nicely smug people giving us a look into the likes of Bill Baileys tit box, (I think a better title than Bill Baileys Birdwatching Bonanza); and the fox that lives at the bottom of Malcolm McDowells back garden: not an intense look into the suspension system of a 1968 Vauxhall Caprice 1300cc with tartan interior, as you may have first thought.
In it's infancy, this televisual snack was hosted by our old friend, The Oddie; but in recent years the Oddie has been confined to a ever decreasing framed picture on the back wall of birdwatching Headquarters, whilst a couple of yuppies have nested in its place.

So this year Id like to introduce you to a new programme called, Oddie Watch. However unlike other tv shows this one will be confined to a blog and your imagination. On the up side, there are no advertisements, no licence fees to pay and you dont need a telly to watch it.
The Oddie Watch season takes place between February the 9th and March the 14th. During Oddie spotting season you are encouraged to trespass anywhere you see fit in search of the elusive Oddie. The ideal tools for the job are a huge pair of binoculars, Oddie camouflage (see mask above for you to cut out and keep), a carrier bag preferably from Tandy or Rumbalows and an Oddie whistle*, (as Oddie whistles are not yet available, instructions for construction are included at the end of this programme)
The next stage is to wander the woodlands, gardens and living rooms of Britain using the Oddie call as much as humanly possibly, eventually leading you to its nest. If youre lucky enough to find the Oddie nesting at this time you may hear it returning your call. Listen carefully to its call and ignore its warnings as you proceed to steal its eggs and pluck its feathers whilst polishing vim into its beak. Then it only remains to shove the Oddie in your carrier bag, return home and mount it on your living room wall, perhaps above the fireplace or settee. If youre a Viking you may wish to eat and stuff the Oddie first, (being careful not to choke on its beard)
This should nicely take us to the end of the season and between us we should have culled the population down to just one. This will give the Oddie almost ten months to repopulate its species before Oddie Watch begins all over again.
Thank you and Goodnight.

*To construct your own Oddie whistle, make some cardboard by blending some carbon and hydrogen together. Form it into a tube and then accurately recreate the Oddie call by yelling, wanker through the tube and into the face of any Oddie you spot.


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Comments about This Article

Ну собственно (звездочкой отмечены обязательные элементы):<?xml version="1.0" encndiog="UTF-8"?><inquiry type="1"> // type = вид запроса <reg_date>дата поступления запроса, дд.мм.гггг*</reg_date> <subject> <topic>Тема, зарплата например</topic> <summary>Содержание кратко, для СП-запросов ФИО человека, на которого запрашивается справка*</summary> <content>Содержание подробно</content> <period>Интересующий временной период</period> <altsurname>Девичья фамилия</altsurname> <organisation>Наименование организации</organisation> <purpose>Куда и для какой цели</purpose> <date_of_birth>Дата рождения в произвольном формате</date_of_birth> </subject> <declar
Comment By: Irem, 15 Nov 2014, Rating: 4/5

n22lfV I really like and appreciate your article.Thanks Again. Really Cool.
Comment By: matzcrorkz, 05 Aug 2014, Rating: 3/5

zTg78R Im obliged for the blog.Much thanks again. Awesome.
Comment By: crorkz, 04 Aug 2014, Rating: 3/5

I would love to be in your part of the world to watch such a tv show. Here the habitats of local widillfe is disappearing very fast. I now feed many raccoons on my front door step all night long, making many trips to put food out for all of them. I have baby triplets, not longer than a foot including tail, who were there looking up at me a couple of nights ago when I opened the door. They had been scratching at the front door and I thought at first my big black cat wanted in as he scratches at the door in the same manner. Imagine my wonderful surprise upon opening the door to let in a cat and having three little bandit babies looking up at me with a total lack of fear of humans, and almost walking into my house, they were so "CHEEKY"! They had let me know there was no food for them, so I went to get more and they waited right there for me and started to eat the moment it was in the bowl. They are the most adorable of creatures and become easily tame. Their greatest enemy now is the coyote; the automobile and man. HH
Comment By: Jaqueline, 20 Dec 2012, Rating: 1/5

I am depressed you know. I also wrote the song, "They, they, they, they, they, they'll never believe it!!" from the 1982 Goodies episode "Big Foot".
Comment By: Bill Oddie, 03 Feb 2010, Rating: 5/5

Thank you for your question. In answer, yes it is wise to set the stolen sony cube alarm clock earlier during oddie season. However, it can only be heard at an unknown location around Pontefract. The police have a full description of the sony cube wake up centre and a heavily censored pictogram to aid in its recovery. I hope it comes home soon and takes its place on the table over the cube shaped layer of dust where it belongs.
Comment By: lego indiana jones, 03 Feb 2010, Rating: 5/5

Is it wise to set the white sony cube alarm clock earlier than usual before it goes missing?
Comment By: muttongeoff, 03 Feb 2010, Rating: 5/5

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