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End of Year Survival Guide - Part Deux
Surviving Unnecessary Surgery

12/11/09
As my pending surgery looms in the air like the rusty axe of a blind executioner with piles I can't help but notice the various omens that have been making themselves known to me not in a dissimilar fashion to the film; Omen that is, not King Ralph. It may sound paranoid but the amount of magpies, rooks and crows that are gathering round my house of a morn over the last few weeks have doubled; and snapshot of myself at the wildlife park with some meerkats seemed to come out with my crotch blurred and the older meerkats trying to spell 'beware of the scalpel' by rearranging the letters of a can of alphabetty spaghetti they'd smuggled in from the local supermarket via one of their failed escape tunnels; has left me even more suspicious something sinister is afoot. So in an attempt to find the underlying cause of this before it's too late, (oh people in horror films, when will you ever learn) I set about to explore these mysteries. Even after promising to tell Terry Nutkins where I buried his fingers, he was none the wiser to the antics of the meerkats. Therefore, my only hope lay with David Warner.
After spending a little time explaining to me he was only an actor and was not actually decapitated in the omen. We sat down and watched King Ralph for some tips. Again; nothing.
In a last ditch attempt to find a reasoning to this David offered me the neckerchief he wore in the omen saying that he doubted if it would stop a large pane of glass removing whatever parts it intended but the unconventional styling might make me a hit with the ladies. I agreed, we shuck hands and I stuffed his neckerchief down my pants, (along with a copy of King Ralph for safe measure)......... Problem solved, I think...

Surviving Unnecessary embarrassing surgery
I.e. the removal of things similar to the ways Douglas Quaid / Hauser only knows.

If, like me, due to the lightning response time of the nhs, you're simple procedure is over a year overdue and has now morphed into something much more complex that when they told you what they would be doing it caused and involuntary case of Roger Moore Eyebrow, which lasted 4 hours, allow me to put your mind at unease.

Allow me to illustrate.

Me and my penis have lived relatively separate lives thus far, it rarely bothers me and I dont bother it. We dont have pet names for each other but for the rest of this text Ill refer to it as Jim Rockford.
So Jim and I have been together for around about thirty-seven years, apart from getting me to fund a detective agency back in the day weve never really bothered each other.
Probably due to a life of sustained agonising stress, I usually end up in hospital every two or three years with increasingly embarrassing ailments. The latest one was about thirteen months ago when late one night I was hit with a consuming pain in my side. Convinced I was constipated or something trivial, but still in agony I had to do the walk of shame at 3am to the local casualty. Highly embarrassed but doubled over, the nurse on duty, (pissed off for reasons I dont know) instantly told me it couldnt be as bad as childbirth. Now with bewilderment added to the mix, she tried to usher me out the doors but as luck would have it asked for a urine sample first. Normally Id answer, Is it for business or pleasure; but she didnt warrant a slice of my razor-sharp wit? So to cut a long story short, there was blood in the pee, which warranted a shot of morphine in the arse and an ultrasound from a sexy Pilipino nurse the next morning. Kidney stones were found. They said they were only small and they could shatter them with a laser. Problem solved

Many months of pain later -

I then spent the next year feeling the stones grow ever bigger like a rolling snowball, which stopped the kidney working properly as they wedged against my spine or something giving poor old Jim permanent pins and needles, causing me to walk round like Ive got rickets.
So, right now at 1.05am Ive got about ten hours to go before Im knocked out, my legs are put in stirrups like Im having a baby and using one of those teddy bear grabby things at the seaside, a man who Ive recently discovered has lost his driving licence for drink driving, puts a pound in ten pences into this machine and trys to wedge this claw, a Panasonic vhs video camera and a jigsaw up poor old Jim.

And now the rant -

So over the past two months Ive tried to give myself a full psychological makeover/disguise by growing a beard to hide behind and giving Jim a short back and sides. (Like itll help); and hope no one says, Its not the first one weve seen, cos Ill have to reply, Yeah, but this ones got its own detective agency and whisper, Now, fuck off and leave me alone.
I also hope no one says, Sharp scratch, as they insert a needle into your hand. It doesnt feel like a sharp scratch. It feels like someones sticking a needle in your hand, and nothing else.

And now the challenge Im going to set the anaesthetist -

Ready for the operation. Needles inserted. The anaesthetist says in calm demure, Now, count back from a hundred. Usually people rarely count past 92 (I'm told) so Im going to imagine taking ten steps to the end of a high cliff.



Bye.
Ps. If anyone needs me, don't send Derek Acorah.


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Comments about This Article

我在網上看到他的解釋 確是不想被其他人拿來反擊他 The unloading and dpunimg of the gun was to separate the character from the action. As soon as he walked away he could be just another employee. Unloading the gun first was to insure that no one picked it up and tried to use it on him as he walked away. Nothing was by accident. It all was thought out. 提起那位張民光先生 想起來陳嘉上哥哥拍的 飛虎雄心 應該是第一套如此著重真實感的香港警匪片
Comment By: Edson, 15 Nov 2014, Rating: 0/5

9kt38Z Very informative article post.Much thanks again. Keep writing.
Comment By: crorkz matz, 06 Aug 2014, Rating: 4/5

Mu1ONp I value the post.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.
Comment By: matzcrorkz, 05 Aug 2014, Rating: 1/5

Yes, I am. Do you want to make something of it? Come and have a go! I am in a grave in Ireland somewhere. Come quick, a crow is eating my eyebrows.
Comment By: Rawhead Rex, 12 Nov 2009, Rating: 4/5

Are you calling me a penis?
Comment By: Jim Rockford, 12 Nov 2009, Rating: 4/5

I just wanted to say good luck, take care and never, ever, watch Rawhead Rex. You will be scared that Jim Rockford will wee wee in fear.
Comment By: Tedward, 12 Nov 2009, Rating: 5/5

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