Howdy Y'all; Larry here, you may know me as the Hagmeister, Larry Cool, or Chuppa Chupps Hagman. You may even remember me for teaming up the late great Brion James with the famous cockney dialogue coach Dick Van Dyke, but one things for sure, you don't know what I've been doing for the last few years; well my friends I'll tell you.
As an air force test pilot I was extremely surprised when they told me that I hadn't been living with a Genie for several years but in fact had spent the time behind a set of wheely bins round the back of Pound Stretcher off the high street in Kidderminster pissed out my skull. Anyway, after my fifth liver transplant I began thinking they were right so I set my life back on course with my now famous 5 step get your life back on track programme:-
Step 1, Stop drinking, (in public)
Step 2, Remove what ever has died up your arse
Step 3, Post seaman sample to Babs Eden and Babs Windsor
Step 4, Drive everywhere in a golf buggy
Step 5, Shag Miss Ellie at the Oil Baron's ball, on the table in front of Patrick Duffy and Howard Keel whilst farting, "Bless your beautiful hide" in b flat
Trust me, it works, it's not a gimmick and it helped me discover what dangers mankind faces from the mysterious area 51.
The secret entrance to area 51 lies beneath baboon island at Flamingo Land. It's quite a long tunnel at 5460 miles but that's where the golf buggy comes in handy. It consists of a 8 foot x 10 foot shed with a female vic 20 super computer chained to a post. It was like a scene from Alien 2, (Aliens) as the queen vic 20 gave birth to smaller vic 20s to take over the world. I watched in horror as it quickly evolved to give birth to a spectrum 128 with floppy disk drive.
I had to regain my composure for the sake of mankind so after a swift swig of some paint stripper out of a brown paper bag I plucked up the courage to switch her off at the mains.
10, "fuck you Hagman"
20, goto 10
Before her final words, "syntax error at line 10"
I had saved the world again and in doing so became the Chuppa Chupps spokesman.
It's just unfortunate her last words would haunt me like Derek Acorah haunts my pants. Either way I'm back on the booze now behind Pound Stretcher where I belong.
Oh yeah; Larry
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Comments about This Article
that a few months ago, I was perveiced as a minor annoyance, but that now I'm actively hated. So how can I leave when those active haters will claim victory ?Finally, I happened to have watched how the US media handled the Chomsky-Faurisson affair, and you know I have an odd slight personal relationship with him.I believe that by staying there, I can do my bit to carry on his fight.But this is a political matter not within the real subject matter of your blog, and that's all I will say about that.I'm sorry I made even that veiled reference about you - I never expected the posted to come back with such a vicious slander.But it's not just him, LesV - you made your mark there because people knew you were right about a lot of things and said those things in such a way that no one could possibly wriggle off the hook.Anyway, I continue to read here and be amazed by your control of both style and substance. As I have said before, it is like listening to a virtuouso classical guitarist play "Recuerdos d'Alhambra", which I am sure you have many opportunities to hear where you have been living recently.Your tremolo technique is so good and so perfect and so seamless that the melo Comment By: Velavan, 01 Dec 2015, Rating: 0/5
Emily and Joshua,I am the transcription susvpeiror at Beaufort Memorial Hospital and I work with Judy. What a lovely beautiful baby girl. I wanted to tell you congratulations from Illinois. Judy sent me this page so I could see what her new grandbaby looked like. Also, what a neat name! Congratulations to all. Take care. Cindy Comment By: Hannah, 16 Nov 2014, Rating: 3/5
cDTHYG I really like and appreciate your article post.Really looking forward to read more. Much obliged. Comment By: matzcrorkz, 05 Aug 2014, Rating: 3/5
JR I'm leaving you for Cliff Barnes! Comment By: Sue Ellen, 23 Sep 2008, Rating: 2/5
I have told you before, get out of our dustbins. They smell like rotting Dallas. Comment By: Clive Stubbs, Manager of Pound Stretcher, 23 Sep 2008, Rating: 3/5