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A Look Into Cosmology, Quantum Birectol Displacement, and other ramblings with Sir Donald Sinden   Average Rating: 2.2 out of 5
A Look Into The Rolling Stones with Windsor Davies  Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
A Look Into Why I Need to Use Wet Look Gel with Ian McShane  Average Rating: 2.4 out of 5
A Look Into The Mysteries of the Universe with Martin P. Daniels  Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
A Look Into my reaction to the end of long running science fiction shows with lego indiana jones  Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A Look Into being a crackpot with Klaus Kinski  Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A Look Into Going To The Toilet Outdoors with Bear Grylls   Average Rating: 2.4 out of 5
A Look Into The Seedy World of Underground Sports with Trevor McDonald  Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
A Look Into Saving The Fish with Ted Danson  Average Rating: 3.2 out of 5
A Look Into Area 51 with Larry Hagman  Average Rating: 2.2 out of 5
A Look Into Cross-Dressing with Eddie Izzard  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into pathalogical lying with Steven Seagal  Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
A Look Into Cooking with Richard Griffiths  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into getting kicked in the bollocks with Michel Lonsdale  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into Shooting Monkeys with Kelsey Grammer  Average Rating: 3.1 out of 5
A Look Into It and How to do It: Romancing A Lady with Bryan Ferry
Hello, I am Bryan Ferry, when I am not singing and playing music I am usually wooing les femmes, or as they are more commonly known, women.
A woman is like a man, but minus the poke and not as good at driving. My women are sophisticated in their tastes, and sophisticated in their need for love.

I wont lie to you, it is in no way easy to woo a lady, it takes years of dedication and an appreciation of the subtle beauty of the saxophone. A dimming of the lights can also melt the butter, as can saying rude words. The first stage of romancing a lady is to locate your quarry. I would start in a nightclub, like "Tonto's" in Montego Bay, or "Daktari" in Dunstable, near the Dixons on the mini roundabout.

Once you have spotted your prey, it is time to woo. I usually start by sending a bottle of champagne over to the lady, or something of equivalent erotic value, like a snowball or a half of bitter.

Make sure you have the barman indicate where the drink has come from, and when the lady looks across in awe, be sure to give a sly wink and raise your glass. Do not under any circumstances rub yourself or remove any clothing, this is bad and will usually render the wooing null and void (unless of course you are in Dunstable, in which case the opposite applies).

If the appropriate signal is given, approach your potential mate and begin what we like to call, "small-talk". Lines such as, "have we met before?" or "what time do those close?" usually do the trick. You could also try saying you are Bryan Ferry, but that usually only works for me.

Once small talk has run its inevitable course, try anecdotes, these are easy and quick ways of making a lady laugh and winning her favour. You could start with the one about Bryan Eno falling in dog mess, but again, that only usually works for me, you can have this one for free though:

I was in the library the other day and a book fell off the shelf.

That should do the trick.

Once you have finished with the anecdotes, it should only be a case then of ordering a taxi and popping back to your Mayfair pad (again, Mayfair pad only really applies to me).

I hope this helps.

See you down in Rio-o-o-o-o-o.

Nothing written on this site is intended to be true or factual, and none of the celebrities named in the 'Look Into' section have anything to do with this website. Their 'contributions' are entirely fictional and have been created by the authors of Hobo-Bonobo. The opinions expressed on are not those of anyone, particularly not the people to whom they have been accredited.

Comments about This Article

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