Of all aspects of history, the Second World War is my favourite, and Hitler, like Voldamort (or whatever he's fucking called) is the best. In fact for my new Harry Potter book I'm writing a bit about Harry saying he thinks Lord Voldamort is a big meanie, “Just like Hitler, I hope he shoots himself and his wife and gets burned to death by his devoted followers.” I thought I'd then have Ron say something hilarious like, “Yea, and he had a silly head.” Yes, then the girl one would say “shut up Ron you nonce.”
I remember being a single mother with no money (I can't really, I've been fucking loaded for donkeys years, it's so great), writing the first Harry Potter book* and thinking 'Hitler was a nasty man with silly, nasty thoughts'. I thought then that if I was ever asked to write something about him I would fill in all the gaps, really get to grips with who he was, why he was and what motivated him to be so evil.
Hiter (Don’t know his first name, probably Harry) was born in Austria in 19__ and wasn’t a very happy boy. He was left on the door step of his mean auntie and uncle, with only a scar on his forehead. Actually, Robbie Coltrane left him there, Richard Harris saw him do it, but he's dead now.
When he grew up he was forced to live under the stairs because his family hated him so much. Oh, and I didn’t mention, his parents were killed by Lord Voldamort. So, he wasn’t happy there and he wanted to go to Hogwarts so he could be a magician (Nazi). Then, he, err, wrote Mein Kampf in Hogwarts, probably about that nasty Professer Snape, he's jolly nasty!
Then he got very good at Quiditch, and won the world cup, which I played on the Playstation (PS2, I'm not a gypo), it wasn’t very good, but I got shit loads of cash for it. It must have been hard for him, being able to speak to snakes, not being able to go home at Christmas and being such a special little boy. Robbie Coltrane looks after him, but he doesn’t touch him up.
So, when he got older he started World War II and then shot himself.
He was a nasty man, with a silly head?
That’s right Ron, tee hee.
*Harry Potter and The Fatherland is out in 2010, remember to buy it wont you?
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