Good evening ladies and gentlemen I'm Ben Elton.
There is something shocking out in the streets of London every night, something we all see and do nothing about; I'm talking about all these musicals I'm involved with. There's about as much point of making a musical with Queen Music as there is making slush puppies out of dog shit, and some would say that’s what we’ve done anyway.
But seriously ladies and gentlemen, crime is a serious issue, and one I feel very strongly about.
I was so incensed about crime I wrote a hard hitting television programme about it called “The Thin Blue Line”
Which to be honest didn’t work out how I intended, instead of making people think about what a tough job our boys in blue have, it merely launched the career(albeit a short one) of a little Kenneth Williams wannabe woofter.
People often say to me, “When will there be another series of Blackadder?” I say, “What about the hilarious Blackadder back and forth?” They then usually say, “Yea, but that was shite.” I can’t really argue with that.
I remember the night very well, I was walking back to my crazy student house, and probably about to tell someone off for eating my student sausage, when I was mugged. I was terrified, luckily, I didn’t have any money on me, as I was a penniless crazy student, and I’d just spent all my money buying my student sausages. I explained to the mugger that I was broke, the mugger asked, “Well, what have you got that’s worth something?”
I then did a ten minute stand up routine about Thatcher, putting my feet up on the train and pubes, when I had finished the mugger was gone, luckily for me, it was obviously all just too funny.
My car is always being nicked, but I don’t really mind, as my insurance company are very good. They assure me that’s the price you pay for having an Austin Princess, it’s such a dream of a ride everyone wants one.
The thing about crime is that we can all do something about it; we can all help each other, I just wish we could all see it. But then again, I often wish that my film, “Maybe Baby” had been a hit, but you have to be realistic.
I’m off to write a new god awful hit musical for some other god awful act. I’ve been the has been Ben Elton, good night.
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