Call me Moore, Roger Moore.
I spent many years when I was playing James “The Saint” Bond travelling the world and seeing different cultures and customs.
I witnessed one thing that I will always remember clearly. We were in Bangkok filming “The Man With the Golden Plumb” when I saw a women who claimed to be a witch, I don’t mean broomsticks and knobs, I mean that she had the mystical ability to make potions and I think she also had a larger than average pointy hat. Actually, thinking about it, I seem to remember that she fleeced me for about twenty pounds, what a cow, she had one of those “which cup is the ball under” games, I could never seem to get it right, also I think she had one small booby and one really big one, and a knackered toilet.
In England during the Middle Ages, there was a king appointed “Witch finder General” He went from village to village asking if they had any witches, a bit like Danny Baker and those fucking Daz people, you know they asked me to do that advert, I told them to fuck right off, there is no way I was going to knock on doors asking to see peoples pants.
I did Spice World instead, I played their manager, which if it was a true to life part I would have got to throw one up Baby spice, but, she was having none of it, tart.
If a woman was found guilty of being a witch, she was burned at the steak, which seems rather harsh, if I thought a lady was a witch I would take her car keys away, seal up the letter box and call a private doctor, these matters need to be handled discreetly, I mean look at The Exorcist, before you know it the world and his father thinks he’s possessed, when in fact they’re just lazy pricks, “I’m afraid I can’t do the washing up as I have a devil up my back passage making me swear at the vicar and spew on the cat” I mean, what kind of attitude is that?
It really does make one wonder, I certainly think twice before shaking hands with people now.
One way that witches were determined of guilt was “Trial by water” a potential witch was chucked in the river and if she floated she was a witch and if she drowned she was innocent, which is a bit like Big Brother, if you are a twat you win and get more work and if you’re half decent you’re voted out in the first week. I was asked to go on Celebrity Big Brother, I naturally told them to fuck right off. I mean the idea of them filming one having a poo, well, it’s just not right. Sean Connery summed it up best when he said, “The thing about everything is that nothing is ever what it seems and once the merry go round stops and the music stops playing its time to wax the coffers.”
Of course Sean can be a bit of a twat, and I think he was pissed when he wrote that, I hope he was anyway as he wrote it in Biro on the bonnet of my Austin Princess (dream of a ride).
So, in conclusion, does society have the ability to judge who is a witch and who isn’t? Is one man’s meat truly another man’s poison? You know my wife told me this morning over breakfast that I talk in my sleep? When I asked what the gist of what I uttered was, she said, “Something about magicians being cowards.”
I think that sums it all up.
I think we are all witches, in a way.
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Comments about This Article
Adam - I love the skull shirt! When I got my "woot" today I thought "wow I might alcualty buy this, and I usually only buy Apelad shirts." Shoulda known... gotta go google "bare bodkin" now. Cheers! -Rachel Comment By: Pavan, 01 Dec 2015, Rating: 1/5