|Howdy Folks. |
I'm Treat Williams, Hollywood actor and, well, an actor.
On April 17th 1975 I was hiking in The Makahoo woods in Nebraska. It was a beautiful spring day and me and my Buddy Joey were just approaching a clearing. "Treat" he said "You know you are the most handsome guy in the world, and that us other guys dont stand a chance?"
"Yes" I said.
"Well, I'm worried that my wife will not want to live anymore once she meets you, and that goes for the entire female race."
"Gee, when you put it like that Joey.."
"Maybe you should shoot me" He cried.
I pondered for a while, pouting and rubbing my nipples. "Alright then", I loaded my shotgun just as he turned his back, suddenly the trees parted and a giant sasquatch ran out at me, "Oh, what now!" I yelled, the Bigfoot picked me up and held me. "What are you looking at?" I said, blasting both barells of old betty into his trunk.
It dropped me and ran screaming into the woods, Joey, sadly, was caught by a richochet, and died.
I will never forget that day. I remember breaking the news to Sindy, Joey's wife, later that night in bed, after we made love for the first time.
She cried, obviously, women!
Now, I have decided to track the beast again, so I packed my best hat and set off into the mountains. My Austin Princess drove like a dream all the way, and all my stuff fit snugly into the vast and spacious boot.
I pulled over by the same clearing my buddy Joey met his end back in 1975. I took a deep breathe and headed into the woody nightmare again, to finish this, once and for all.
I walked for about a half hour, then I came to a big log. I sat down to eat my Admiral's Pie when suddenly, I heard a noise in the trees.
"Oh, what now!" I yelled.
The Bigfoot came out of the trees and ran at me. I knew it was my old pal, I recognised the scar of buckshot on his chest.
"What are you looking at?" I roared as I loaded my shotgun again. Me and that dirty ape fought for at least three or four minutes, he knocked that gun out of my hand and put the hurt on me but good.
I managed to kick him in his big ape balls and run, but then I thought 'I'm Treat Williams, I run from no one.'
So I stopped. The Ape approached me and picked me up.
"Hey, are you Treat Williams?" Said the ape.
"Yes, I am." I mummered.
"I am your biggest fan, I must have your autograph."
I signed his book and he looked me right in the eyes.
"Be well Treat Williams, be well..."
Bigfoot then turned to walk away. I was touched, the whole experience brought a tear to my eye. I'm no pansy, I'm a real man, but it touched me. The ape turned to wave emotionally. I knew this was a great moment, I waved back and smiled, then I brought up my shotgun and blasted his balls off.
He fell to his knees in agony yelling and cursing, and I walked over and finshed him off.
No one touches the Treat.