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Back to the home page Ted tells you what Free Stuff you can Have Hobo Merchandise at Cafe Press All the good stuff The opinions and knowledge of the rich and famous. Reviews of films, books, music and more. Submit your own. Dermot and Ted's Top Ten Preferences Dermot's Dictionary

Various Thinkers Take "A Look Into..."
A Look Into Cosmology, Quantum Birectol Displacement, and other ramblings with Sir Donald Sinden
Greetings and welcome to my 'look into'.

The names Sindon, Donald Sindon; sorry to come across all James Bondy; err, no I'm not and even though I am a knight of the realm I rarely use the 'Sir' bit so think of this as an informal experience with little to no need of stan... more  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into The Rolling Stones with Windsor Davies
Hello you bunch of wally!

That was my famous catchphrase back in the 1970s.

I am Windsor Davies, you may remember me from "It Aint Half Hot Mum and Dad" in which I played the classic role of Professor Derek Jarman and "Carry On Last Tango in Paris... more  Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
A Look Into Why I Need to Use Wet Look Gel with Ian McShane
Ian McShane here.
When the good people of Hobo Bonobo asked me to write an article in their prestigious, ‘Look Into' section, I knew I'd hit the big time. And as they promised to give me my cat back afterwards, I was inspired to start writing straight away and to get little T... more  Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
A Look Into The Mysteries of the Universe with Martin P. Daniels
Welcome to the writings of Martin P. Daniels; favourite son of Paul the popular tv magician and more famously, previous contributor to this site.

Before I continue I'd like to get one or two things straight; firstly my middle name isn't Paul as you might be thinking: I ... more  Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
A Look Into my reaction to the end of long running science fiction shows with lego indiana jones
For me there has always been a long running sci-fi series to segment my year; but now for the first time I stand alone staring into an empty chasm, limply holding my well worn remote with no idea what button to press as I point it into the void. Of course, every now and again a s... more  Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5
A Look Into being a crackpot with Klaus Kinski
Morning all, if you remember the late night t.v of the 1980's you may have seen some of my films. Lets face it, most of it was foreign shit but I made a few classics such as Timestalkers (my own version of the terminator), Android (my own version of the terminator) and Love and m... more  Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A Look Into Going To The Toilet Outdoors with Bear Grylls
Hello all. I am Bear Grylls, no relation to George Foreman Grills. I am here today to talk about the awkward act that is going to the toilet outdoors. Whether it be weeing up against a tree or dumping in a foxhole, it needs to be done when you are living in the wilderness, what l... more  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into The Seedy World of Underground Sports with Trevor McDonald
Hello, my name is Trevor McDonald, the famous newsreader, Knight Of The Realm, slayer of the Paxman Dragon and current guardian of the Excalibur sword, and I'm here to give you, my humble homies, a view of the seedy world that is underground sports.

Having spent much ti... more  Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
A Look Into Saving The Fish with Ted Danson
Hey guys. As you all probably know, I am an animal lover. I don't mean sexing up a Dog or rubbing off a Giraffe. I mean in a Platonic way, just like I loved Carla or Cliff or the other ones. I have for many years now been caring for Dolphins, like it was popular to do in the late... more  Average Rating: 3.1 out of 5
A Look Into Area 51 with Larry Hagman
Howdy Y'all; Larry here, you may know me as the Hagmeister, Larry Cool, or Chuppa Chupps Hagman. You may even remember me for teaming up the late great Brion James with the famous cockney dialogue coach Dick Van Dyke, but one things for sure, you don't know what I've been doing ... more  Average Rating: 2.2 out of 5
A Look Into Cross-Dressing with Eddie Izzard
Hello and groovy! Did I mention jam yet? jam, jam, jam and jam. Seeing as I am so busy with "acting" and hosting any horse related sports programmes on the BBC, to find the time to write this article is frankly, a miracle. Cross dressing is a perfectly natural thing, al... more  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into pathalogical lying with Steven Seagal
Hey, I'm Steven Seagal, Dr. Seagal if you like or professor or Sir Seagal after my recent knighthood. Either way I'm taller than you and that makes me feel good because my hair looks like a lavatory brush. You may be thinking how a man who started life as Lee Majors' stunt double... more  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into Cooking with Richard Griffiths
Greetings my fine, fine friends! I hope you are all well. As you are only too well aware, I do like cooking. I like cooking and eating and sometimes I do like a post culinary parp. Once I trumped so hard my right eye went all wonky. It is because I enjoyed a lovely egg and sausag... more  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into getting kicked in the bollocks with Michel Lonsdale
Hello, Michel here; or Drax, like the power station. Firstly I must stress I'm not a megalomaniac, not even a little bit curious. look in to my eyes, do I look gay ? Don't answer, I can't hear you because I'm not here, I'm waiting on a call for Moonraker 2. A call that I know wil... more  Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
A Look Into Shooting Monkeys with Kelsey Grammer
Hello, I am Kelsey Grammer. I am that one from Cheers, Frasier and Cheers and Frasier repeats.
There are many sports I enjoy, American's Football, Tennis, Iced Hockey, Volleyball for girls, strangling chickens and Shooting Monkeys.
I decided that the best way to explain ... more  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into Murder with Professor Heinz Wolf
Halo, I am Professor Heinz Wolf. Being half dog-like mammal and half manufacturer of table sauces, I am acutely aware of the world around me.
Also, as a top celebrity scientist of the 1980's I find I need to make it my business to care.
I consider crime in all its forms a... more  Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
A Look Into Time Travel with Terry Thomas
Preface = Hello, since 1990 I have been investigating the mysterious dissapearence of Terry Thomas, the discoveries I think you will agree are truly startling. After a search lasting over 18 years it was one afternoon whilst taking a poo in my kitchen sink where resting beside m... more  Average Rating: 2.9 out of 5
A Look Into Perverts with Richard Littlejohn
If you, like me, are fed up with "rip-off" Britain with all it's whining Liberals sullying the water for all us blinkered racist bigots, you may like to read on.
I am Richard Littlejohn and I hate anything that is mildly different from my increasingly outdated views... more  Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A Look Into why I manipulated the course of history so Dangermouse could exist with Peter Wyngarde
Hello, I'm Peter Wyngarde. You may not remember me but I remember you. If you do remember me It may be for my part as Jason King in the popular show of the same name or perhaps for elevating Anton Rodgers to an acting god or even for my music. One things for sure, in the early 7... more  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into Robots with Peter Stringfellow
Hello everyone, I am aged lady lover-lover Peter Stringfellow. I have been interested in Robots since the early 1960's, my research has been extensive, as you see I am trying to build the world's most effective, sensual and erotic pleasure bot.
You wouldn't believe the amount... more  Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5
A Look Into Dragons with George Lazenby
G'day there cobbers!
I am George Lazenby, erstwhile James Bond look-a-like and Antipodean.
When I am not wining and dining hot babes or fighting Blofeld and his henchmen in his snowy retreat (which I havent done since 1969), I like to think about Dragons.
Telly Savala... more  Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
A Look Into Happiness with John Travolta
Hi there, I am John Travolta, the dancing one from "Saturday Night Fever" and the main singing one from "Greese".  Happiness is such a fickle thing, after all, one man’s meat is another man’s poison.   When I made “Look Who’s Talking” I was happy as a pig in shite, bu... more  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into Folk Music with Tom Selleck
Hi, My name is Tom Selleck, you may know me better as Magnum P.I. or as that memorable cowboy I played, can't remember his name.  You may also be aware that I was originally in line to play Indiana Jones, but I was under contract to do another season of Magnum, so I had to ... more  Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
A Look Into Extinct Animals with Peter Falk
Hi, I'm Peter Falk, you may know me as TV's dirty detective, Columbo.
My wife and I enjoy nature walks, I am a keen bird watcher (even though I only have one eye, imagine that). we have a small Avery full of beautiful birds, my wife buys many of them and puts them on show, he... more  Average Rating: 1 out of 5
A Look Into War with Leslie Grantham
Hello Princess, remember me? Yes, I am Dirty Dennis (used to be).   The people at H-B probably approached me to talk about War after seeing my daily battles with Angie! Well, to be fair, probably because I would be available after being caught having a pumping sesh on-line ... more  Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
A Look Into UFOs with Timothy Dalton
I am Dalton, Tim Dalton, and when I am not James Bond or shooting rubber lizards that sound like farts on Mongo, I am an actor, and a UFO. enthusiast. I am very much like that mad one from the 60's band "The Troggs" who is mad on UFOs, he lives in the country somewhere and wants ... more  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into Trains with Ringo Starr
Ringo here!  I am so pleased to be able to give you the low-down on the locomotives! Trains are great, I love them, I think they're dead gear, cars are dead grotty, deh do doh don't day doh?    When I was asked by The Reverend W. Awdry to do the voice of Thomas ... more  Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
A Look Into It and How to do It: Romancing A Lady with Bryan Ferry
Hello, I am Bryan Ferry, when I am not singing and playing music I am usually wooing les femmes, or as they are more commonly known, women.  A woman is like a man, but minus the poke and not as good at driving. My women are sophisticated in their tastes, and sophisticated i... more  Average Rating: 4 out of 5
A Look Into It and How to do It: Fellatio, with Terry Nutkins
Hello, my name is Terry Nutkins, and I am a dick wizard. As part of hobo-bonobo's ongoing "A Look Into It and How To Do It" series, I am here to tell you about kissing a man's privates. I normally get up to it round the back of Waitrose. And don't think that my return to hobo-bon... more  Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
A Look Into It and How to do it: an introduction with Floella Benjamin
Over the next few amounts of your human lives, h-b will presenting a series of insights into "it" - both what it is and how to do it. Personally, I find the act of human pelvic conjunction to be both morally and physically abhorant, and as such, refuse to even watch it, let alone... more  Average Rating: 2 out of 5
A Look Into the Issues Surrounding Racial Cleansing with Alan Darlek
As a dalek, I am often asked "which is the race you would most like subjugate under dalek rule?" To which I reply "None of them because they are all as flawed and worthless as eachother!" And I laugh in my dalek way.  You see, to a dalek, you are all hateful little shits, b... more  Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
A Look Into It and How to do it: Dressing to impress with Alan Holes
"The first bit of sex is with the eye."  Whether preparing for a career in dirty films, or just planning to go up a lot of women, it is important to capitalize on one's desirability. Setting oneself apart and above the rampant proletariate is of paramount importance - witho... more  Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
A Look Into Sex Addiction with Michael Douglas
Hi, I’m Michael Douglas, and I am addicted to sex.  I don’t just mean I like blue movies and magazines, I mean proper rumpo with ladies.  Ladies really like me, I have a neck like a turkey and a weird voice, but they can’t get enough of my hot butt. I mainly pick movi... more  Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
A Look Into Scientology with Successful Scientologist Henry Baumgard
"Scientology is the Science of Religion - and i should know!"  I have been a scientologist for over seven weeks now, and it has changed my life. The main change relates to how I am now a scientologist, whereas I used not to be - but you would not understand this, gentile. F... more  Average Rating: 2 out of 5
A Look Into the Joys of Gardening with Alan Holes
Alan Holes is the Dirty Man from the Dirty Films.  " ... like a burgeoning flower, the petals part revealing the delicate bud."    The gardener stands for a moment, regarding the flower bed and considering the task before him. Kneeling, he brushes back the fring... more  Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
A Look Into M.E. with Jack Klugman
"M.E. is a real shitter."  Hi, you might recognise me as T.V.s Alan Quincy, M.E. I'm guessing that it's the letters behind my on-screen name that had the editors of h-b approach me for this ill-advised crap. Anyway, they did, and it was this or guest on another Diagnosis Mu... more  Average Rating: 2.4 out of 5
A Look Into Space Travel with Sir Michael Caine
Hello, my name is Michael Caine, I think a lot of people know that. People often think I say “not a lot of people know that” all the time but I don’t. Many people always say that they remember where they were when Louis Armstrong walked on the moon in 1969.  Well, I don’t.<... more  Average Rating: 2.9 out of 5
A Look Into Career Deaths with Michael Barrymore
A look into famous “career deaths”, with Michael Barrymore When Ted Bonobo asked me to write (or should I say “awwight!” – ha, ha, ha) an article on celebrities’ famous career ending moments, I was dubious that I would be able to fit it into my busy schedule. But as it happens, m... more  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into Dinosaurs with Sir Sean Connery
Hello, I am the one they call Sean Connery.  Many years ago when I decided to play James Bond again in the 1983 film, “Never Say Never Again” (remember the 80’s? Space hoppers, Mott the Hoople and Platform shoes?) I looked so young and handsome, especially when I was neckin... more  Average Rating: 3.5 out of 5
A Look Into Cultural Differences with Paul Hogan
Gooday Cobbers! I’m the hero of the Crocodile Dundee franchise, I’ve got a big knife (which is a euphemism), and I like to use it.   When I first arrived in America, many things confused me. Back in the outback, we didn’t have toilets or sinks, and we certainly didn’t have ... more  Average Rating: 2 out of 5
A Look Into Rave Culture with Russ Abbott
Hi, you know, I love an atmosphere, I especially love a party with a happy atmosphere, I often like to take someone there and dance in the cool night air. I think that is a given.   Many people ask what I’ve been doing since “Madhouse” and “The Russ Abbott show” finished. I... more  Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
A Look Into Hollywood with Terry Nutkins
Hello, Nutkins here, I used to be in Animal Magic and The Really Wild Show, you know, I had two of my fingers bitten off by my own Otter, and even though I am bald, I still have decided to grow my hair. I am here today to tell you about Hollywood.  Many people don’t realise... more  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into Crime with Ben Elton
Good evening ladies and gentlemen I'm Ben Elton.   There is something shocking out in the streets of London every night, something we all see and do nothing about; I'm talking about all these musicals I'm involved with. There's about as much point of making a musical with Q... more  Average Rating: 2 out of 5
A Look Into Witchcraft with Roger Moore
Greetings mortals.  Call me Moore, Roger Moore.  I spent many years when I was playing James “The Saint” Bond travelling the world and seeing different cultures and customs.   I witnessed one thing that I will always remember clearly. We were in Bangkok filming ... more  Average Rating: 1 out of 5
A Look Into Bigfoot with Treat Williams
Howdy Folks.     I'm Treat Williams, Hollywood actor and, well, an actor.  On April 17th 1975 I was hiking in The Makahoo woods in Nebraska. It was a beautiful spring day and me and my Buddy Joey were just approaching a clearing. "Treat" he said "You know you ar... more
A Look Into Child Slavery with Michael Winner
Hello, I'm Michael Winner.     Child slavery is terrible, they get these little kids and I would imagine they make them do things like (haven’t looked into it, I had a nice admiral pie instead, yum) light hovering, a spot of knitting and lighting cigars for business m... more
A Look Into Magic with Paul Daniels
People often come up to me and ask me how I got so rich and famous just doing stupid magic tricks. I turn to them and I say "now that's magic". (It doesn't make sense, but it's all they really want to hear).   Those of us who were there at the beginning will remember that G... more  Average Rating: 2 out of 5
A Look Into Music with Sir Paul McCartney
Hey!  Hey!  Hey!    Music is my life.  Music is how I've made my living.  Music is what I will be remembered for.  So what else can I write about?     In 1970 I left the Beatles. It was the hardest thing I've had to do, except... more  Average Rating: 1.3 out of 5
A Look Into Filmmaking with George Lucas
Hello, I'm George Lucas. I'm at the Cannes film festival in France, near Germany, next to Spain, nowhere near California. When the folks at Hobo Bonobo (Namely Ted) asked me to write a piece for their website, I thought I'd write about what I know best. Movie-making, Or as you En... more  Average Rating: 4 out of 5
A Look Into Spontaneous Human Combustion with Arthur C. Clarke
In 1982, the statistics on SHC were staggering, 1 in 5 people were likely to Spontaneously Combust before 1983. Truth be told, you were more likely to spontaneously combust than be on Television (not researched, just guessed). Imagine that? (Can you?)   The figures were so ... more  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into The Loch Ness Monster with Michael Chrichton
Did you read Jurassic Park? Did you see Jurassic Park? Or the sequel? The lost something or other? Well, it was all based on dinosaurs, you know? Those big lizards? Like in my book Prey where nans attack people and stuff. Well, the Loch Ness Monster is kind of a big dinosaur, and... more  Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A Look Into Ghosts with Clive Barker
A Ghost, it says in the dictionary, is “The spirit of a dead person, especially one believed to appear in bodily likeness to living persons or to haunt former habitats.”   Isn’t that spooky? Scared? I'm not, I write horror you see, it's my job to scare you, it wouldn’t be m... more  Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A Look Into Hitler with J.K.Rowling
Of all aspects of history, the Second World War is my favourite, and Hitler, like Voldamort (or whatever he's fucking called) is the best. In fact for my new Harry Potter book I'm writing a bit about Harry saying he thinks Lord Voldamort is a big meanie, “Just like Hitler, I hope... more  Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Nothing written on this site is intended to be true or factual, and none of the celebrities named in the 'Look Into' section have anything to do with this website. Their 'contributions' are entirely fictional and have been created by the authors of Hobo-Bonobo.
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